Wiki Walk: The Malice at the Palace

Notes: 1.) Trigger warning for discussion and descriptions of violence, obviously.

2.) I couldn’t make these pictures as small as I usually do, because they wouldn’t have been readable. As it is, the text is smaller than I wanted. I’ll try to do better in the future, but I’m not sure how yet.

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You know what’s fun? Reading Wikipedia. That’s an almost painfully nerdy sentence, I know, but don’t pretend you’re surprised to hear it from me. Wikipedia is, literally, the modern encyclopedia, full of any information you might want and plenty of information you didn’t know you wanted. I think at one time or another, we’ve all been doing a cursory glance of an article, maybe just fact-checking a little something, and come across an entirely new thing that you’d never heard before. And if you’re like me, you have certain articles that you keep going back to time and time again because they’re just so much fun or so interesting. That’s what we’re doing today. I’m going to take you along to revisit the story of one of my favorite articles. Let me, and Wikipedia, tell you about The Malice at the Palace.

Or as Wikipedia insists on calling it (because they’re no fun):

Let’s start with the little box of information on the side of the page, because isn’t that where you always start?

First things first: I love that Detroit was clearly not going to win this game. With 46 seconds left and a 15-point gap, it really should’ve been smooth sailing. But nooo.

Secondly: I have never seen a basketball game called early for any reason.

Third: Poor Tommy Nunez, Jr, you might think, the only refree involved with a page of his own. Well, you might not feel too bad for him after we take a look at the other two.
Ron Garretson is still in the league, in his 32nd year, and the most interesting part of his page is the two altercations discussed. Nick Van Exel, who is now an assistant coach with the Grizzlies, apparently shoved him into a scorer’s table once and never apologized for it. And then in 2000, Garretson kicked a guy out of a game for staring at him too much.
And Tim Donaghy? Well. Let’s take a little detour to chat about Tim Donaghy.

That’s right: the most infamous brawl in league history happened under the watch of the most crooked ref in league history. And my favorite part? It’s a complete coincidence. Donaghy had nothing to do with the incident. He was literally just doing his job. Also, how much must other refs hate this guy? Every game they officiate, fans tell them how much they suck and insinuate bias, and this guy is a living, breathing example of that.

Oh, shit, it has it’s own page. Okay, new plan. I’m gonna read that later, and that might be a sequel. Stay tuned. In the meantime, let’s get back to the main article.

(Un-detour is totally a word)

1.) I enjoy how every article on Wikipedia starts with a paragraph that is half blue text.

2.) I want to say that “worst night in NBA history” is a little dramatic, but…I don’t know that it is. I can’t think of a worse one.

1.) So this is all Ben Wallace’s fault, really. (I’m obviously joking, but really, fouling somebody when you’re down by 15 with a minute left is dumb, especially if that person is Ron Artest.)

2.) So this is all that fan’s fault, really. (I’m obviously joking, but really, why would you do that, especially to Ron Artest?)

3.) Let’s talk about Ron Artest.

1.) That’s a good picture. He looks a little goofy, but likeable. I wonder if celebrities get to choose the pictures that go on their Wiki pages. If so, I have some advice for some people.

2.) Yes, Ron Artest is now Metta World Peace. There were a lot of jokes going around about it when the change happened back in 2011, but I won’t be making any here. People are entitled to identify the way they wish. The reason I’m referring to him as “Artest” throughout this post is because the main article does, and it’s less confusing that way.

Aww, that’s nice. Except for joking about killing someone. Don’t do that.

1.) Yay, mental health advocacy!

2.) Boo, PETA. I mean, obviously his heart was in the right place and those particular campaigns are obviously worthwhile, but in general, people should stay far away from PETA. They’re the worst.

I love it.

I don’t love it. I don’t love it at all. I can’t believe the freaking NBA punished him more than the actual criminal justice system. Jesus.

Sure.

So that’s Ron Artest. Back to the main event.

So this was a rivalry game. Makes sense.

Blah blah basketball blah blah no punching blah blah

Okay, first of all, we need to take a closer look at that picture.

1.) Mistaken identity! What a wacky misunderstanding!

2.) Michael Ryan’s face is exactly the right response to seeing Ron Artest angrily charging at you.

3.) To the best of my knowledge, this is not John Green the bestselling young adult author.

So this is actually the first altercation, the preview or the under-card, if you will, and it’s standard stuff. Someone got hit, possibly by mistake, by somebody they have bad blood with and they start squaring up, with their teammates trying to calm things down.

“no way we were going to put an open mic in front of him in that situation.” Yeah. Good call. I do give Artest props for trying to control himself, and Walsh props for sticking up for his player.

Good for you, Tayshaun. I have to admit, though, the mental image of one guy sitting there all alone like, “I’m just gonna stay over here and mind my business and protect my paycheck,” is kind of hilarious.

Look, I’m not saying this is all John Green’s fault. But…it’s all John Green’s fault.

Bad, bad, BAD decisions all around. And as bad as Artest and Paulson are, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FANS THINKING? WHY WOULD YOU PICK A FIGHT WITH A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE? Do you know how strong NBA players are? Boyle’s injuries are horrific, but all of these people are lucky that nobody was accidentally killed.

1.) GOOD. HELP YOUR GUY.

2.) Is Reggie Miller’s injury relevant to the story? It does make Tayshaun still chilling on the bench even funnier.

STOP IT YOU IDIOTS.

Except you guys going onto the court, who are probably just trying to get away from the madness. That’s a good move.

1.) Wow, this is all terrifying.

2.) Except Jermaine O’Neal’s weird little sliding punch. I know it’s not funny, but in my head it kind of is.

3.) If that’s true that Haddard had talked about wanting to fight someone, why was he allowed in the building?

These poor security people and cops. They must have been terrified. They weren’t there for fun. They weren’t picking fights with anybody. They were just trying to do their fucking jobs.

1.) TERRIFYING

2.) Stern probably said “Shit.” You can swear here, Mr. Stern.

3.) I don’t know that the fans are the only lions here, but that’s a pretty good analogy, I guess.

4.) YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, DERRICK COLEMAN.

That seems fair.

An excellent time for technical difficulties.

Obviously. How frustrating must that be for the reporters, though? The biggest story in the history of the NBA, and you’re shut out immediately.

This is my favorite part. I want to frame that screenshot and hang it on a wall. It’s a work of art. Think of the greatest moments in sports history. The Miracle on Ice. Michael Jackson’s flu game. The Decision. Ron Artest’s Post-Malice question.

This is my second favorite part, cause I’m just picturing his teammates standing outside the bus talking to the cops, like, “Artest? No. No Ron Artest here. Doesn’t ring a bell. Do you mean Don Artest?”

What a striking image.

1.) WHAT DID DERRICK COLEMAN DO? He was protecting his coach and his coach’s son! I mean, I know a one-game suspension is a pretty good deal in this case, but that still seems unfair.

2.) Holy crap, look at those dollar figures. Tayshaun Prince must have been like, “Pssh. I told y’all. I minded my own business, and I get to keep my money.”

I mean…yeah.

Full disclosure: I have not been keeping track of who is on what team. David Harrison was on the Pacers, though, who were getting booed and getting shit thrown at them, so I do kind of buy the self-defense argument here.

Yeah. Fair.

Yeah. Yeah, he really could have. I wonder why he didn’t. I wonder if he ever regrets that.

Blah blah legal stuff blah blah.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Fair. More than fair, really, cause I know I wouldn’t have been happy to give them refunds, but they probably didn’t want a court battle over it.

I think we can definitively say now that this is not John Green the young adult author.

1.) Poor Melvin.

2.) I feel better now that the actual prosecutor agrees that this is all John Green’s fault.

Ugh. I don’t know how I feel about this. I guess that’s a fair enough punishment for what he actually did? I mean, I don’t think you should go to prison for throwing a cup at somebody, and there were plenty of people being terrible, but I wish he could have been charged with Inciting a Riot or something. I just want him to pay for starting the whole damn thing. Or maybe I just wish Artest had gotten it right to start with and punched him in the face.

Yeah, seems legit.

Ugh.

1.) I love how in the years since, NBA teams have actually put more fans closer to the court.

2.) Get the fuck out of here with that victim-blaming bullshit.

Honestly, and I hope I’ve made this clear, I feel like the fans and the players are almost equally to blame? I would probably blame the fans a little more, but neither side is blameless here. Green shouldn’t have thrown that cup and Artest should not have gone into the stands. And from there, it was a hurricane of bad decisions. The players should have kept their tempers in check and been more professional, but the fans in attendance were the absolute worst example of entitled dudebros. (I would not be surprised at all to find that most or all of them were white men.) They think because they paid big money for good seats they have the right to do or say whatever they want and they forget that the people they’re there to watch are actual fucking humans. Humans who could kick their asses, so you would think, just on a self-preservation standpoint, you would watch yourself.

Merry Christmas!

Bomb threats?! Are Pistons fans just the worst? I thought it was Clippers and Lakers fans, but maybe it’s Pistons fans.

Blah blah basketball blah blah.

Well, that’s an emotional roller-coaster with an unexpectedly satisfying ending.

“Hey, guys! Did you miss me?”

How big an asshole would I be to add a [citation needed] onto the end there?

I mean, that’s not the worst lesson to take from this whole thing.

1.) “One of.” Okay.

2.) And we end on the buddy comedy movie pitch I never knew I needed.

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Well, guys, this was fun. For me, at least. I hope you enjoyed it, too. If you did, please let me know. I’d like to do more of these in the future. I have at least one other idea, and Wiki has a few suggestions, as well:

If you enjoy my work and would like to support me, please or drop a donation through paypal.